Monday, October 18, 2010
So, yeah. I have this lovely weeks vacation here in Denmark known as "Efterårs Ferie" Autumn vacation, it's a week off school - Which is nice :D But, I don't really have money to visit anybody and nor seems it to my friends do either or they just have plans ... To me that is sad, it is just making me think a lot of things so and not good things about them, not that they are bitches - More, like they don't wan't to be friends with me anymore and stuff like that .. The're excuse would be like "we don't have money" and then you see on facebook that they are going to cph to visit their friends - Can't that make you think just a little? They say they miss and want to hang out as soon as possible? .. Stuff like that just happens to me so often I don't know anything about that anymore, I just don't want to trust humans anymore.
- I don't trust huamns, as many happy times they have given me - I could name a 100 things that made me wanna die because of them. It sounds weird maybe? That's just how I feel, when I had my boyfriend, I started to trust others, I opened up to people
- I was nice and helpful to humans and where did it lead? A 9 months long relationship crushed because the one I trusted "I don't really have any feelings anymore, I'm sorry" Just that made me go down, I might only have cried in total for about 5 minutes but, the pain. I neglect from others that came after wards all those how just let me slip through the ice, the thin ice holding humans in a sane balance. My steps were never careful, every foot step with them followed big cracks and water.
- I'm a little mentally unstable, I have problems with emotions, so I don't think that this hate I have towards humans are that good.
It's not all of my friends that are like that! I can really heard the sincere'ness in their words when we speak together, they have a live of course and I have mine .. They just don't know what a big part of my world they are. Sadly, I can probably never tell them either .. And I know that there aren't really anybody reading my blog so I'm save on that term. Lucky me.
I care about them, if they ever actually needed me, I would go to them, I would take the only money I have and go to them no matter what - I would find a way, even if I had to run several miles to get near a stop. Snug onto a truck, ask a truckdriver to drive me, something - I would do something!
Back to human hating - Yes.
Now, I know I can never trust humans about money, I will never borrow someone money anymore, even if they are my "friends". I just can't. I know humans. They won't pay you back, there might even go a year before you see just half of them. I hate it, I hate humans, I hate their dreadful nature! You .. Just abandon people as soon as it gets a little too much trouble to yourself, you don't have time, you need time for yourself. Yeah, you-time with your-friends I'm sorry I'm not one of them but, I still care about you even though I left outside looking through the window - At you and "your" happy friends, cause it can't be that I'm friends with them too right? I can't be friends with "your" friends, right?! - Something like that happened to me, she was all "It's all good, we're friends right?" Yeah, sorry you took my first and best female friend away from me, pretended to care for me and just became tighter with her. And pushing me away, she said, she had problems and she wished I had been there for her. I got mad, I got so mad, I was there I listed she just didn't tell me anything. Since she never told, I kept quiet. I noticed, I could feel it, stupid bitch.
We had a fight, I told her my feelings and then I was the villain. The evil one, the mean girl - the one who didn't understand anything in life. I know more about life, I've lost so many lifes, so many have died in my life. I have problems like any other "normal" teenager but, I also have abnormal problems .. problems she never would understand no matter how many times she would say; "I understand how you feel" I wanted to slap her, I was angry. But, in her mind I was the wrong one.
I said if that the case, I can't be friends with you anymore .. I can't fight for something that is already gone. I'm sorry. And then, I've not talked to her since and I don't intend too - She have deleted me as a contact, she never calls nor text. I'm thinking about deleting her, I'm not that human and could just do it, but people tend to get angry if they are deleted?
- I don't care. Done, delete.